The Business of Being Dad with Rob Rohde

#054: Imperfect Parenting and "That's OK" with Chananya Abraham

• Rob Rohde l The Single Father Coach • Episode 54

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This episode delves into the importance of embracing imperfection in parenting, highlighting how humility and empathy can strengthen parent-child bonds.

Overview
In this episode, Rob Rohde and Chananya Abraham explore the realities of imperfect parenting, focusing on the necessity of being present and adaptable. They discuss the importance of connecting with children beyond mere parental love, emphasizing curiosity and understanding. The conversation also addresses the impact of ego in parenting, offering insights and strategies to foster stronger relationships through humility and empathy.

Key Points

  1. Parenting Realities: Parenting is a continuous learning process, filled with unexpected challenges requiring presence and adaptation. Chananya emphasizes the inevitability of parenting imperfections and the need to be in the moment.
  2. Connection with Children: The importance of liking and connecting with one's children beyond the unconditional love parents naturally feel. Chananya shares insights on staying curious about children's interests and preferences to foster deeper connections.
  3. Ego in Parenting: Chananya defines the parenting ego and its impact on parent-child relationships. The discussion highlights instances where parental ego can hinder understanding and connection with children.

What to Expect: 
Listeners will gain valuable insights into the realities of imperfect parenting and learn strategies to navigate parental roles and build strong connections with their children. The discussion will also explore the impact of ego in parenting and provide practical advice on fostering empathy and humility to nurture healthier parent-child relationships.

Guest Links:




Rob Rohde l The Business of Being Dad
Visit Rob Rohde LLC
Connect with Rob on LinkedIn
To learn more about The Thriving Dad, book your FREE CALL with Rob here.

Rob Rohde:

You are listening to the Business of B eing Dad. Get ready as we delve into the world of fatherhood, leadership and legacy. I'm Rob Rohde, your humble host and fellow single father, and I'm so excited you're here to join us. This podcast was intentionally designed for you, men who believe they're destined for greatness, those who never settle for excuses but instead take meaningful action, and individuals who reject the notion of being ordinary. We're here for the ones who understand that being a phenomenal leader goes hand in hand with being an exceptional father. Why? Because we believe in you. We believe you hold the power to shape your identity as a man, a father and a leader. We believe you are the architect of your future and you get to determine the impact and legacy you'll leave behind. So get ready to explore the depths of personal growth, strengthen family bonds and create a legacy that resonates through time. Together, we'll rise, inspire and change. Let's get started. Rise, inspire and change. Let's get started. Well, hello everyone. This is episode 54 of the Business of B being Dad, the podcast dedicated to help single fathers build amazing relationships with their children without having to give up their career or dreams in the process. Welcome and thank you for being here Today. We will be joined by special guest Chananya Abraham

Rob Rohde:

Ch ananya is a seasoned psychotherapist, renowned for his expertise in working with teenagers, young adults and families. His approach to therapy is both holistic and human-centered. It's grounded in the belief that life's intricacies should be embraced with a sense of humor. His therapeutic mantra and that's okay encapsulates this philosophy perfectly, celebrating the growth that often emerges from life's beautifully messy moments. Chananya is also the creative force and the host behind the acclaimed podcast Parenting is Easy, said no One Ever Great title, by the way and in this podcast he explores the realities of parenthood with humor, heart and a wealth of

Rob Rohde:

Cyuah a commitment to elevating conversations around mental health and parenting, Chananya aspires not only to be among the top podcasts globally, but to contribute to a world where understanding and compassion flourish. I have to say I really enjoyed my conversation with Cha nanya. He offered a ton of wisdom and so much value based on his professional experiences, but also the lessons that he's learned as a father himself. He is very humble and I'm excited to share this with you. So, without further delay, let's get started.

Rob Rohde:

Today we are joined by special guest Chananya Abraham. Chananya, say hello to the Business of B eing Dad community and tell us a little about yourself. i i R

Chananya Abraham:

Hello everyone. I am Ch Hananya Abraham and it's a real honor and pleasure to be here with Rob. I think this is something that we can all use a little more of. So anything that Rob does, I highly recommend you guys listening to and being a part of. So I am a psychotherapist and I am based in Waterbury, C connecticut, and I have an office both in Waterbury and Southbury, C connecticut.

Chananya Abraham:

Cyuah Therapy is the name of the company, and I mainly work with teenagers, young adults, adolescents depending on how you define the ages and their parents, and I guess my motto overall is how do we like our kids as much as we love them? And while we all love our kids as much as we possibly can, and probably even more than we care to admit, sometimes, sometimes liking them could be a little bit hard, and we talk about that concept of being able to foster relationships in a way where we want to be with, we want to like them and hang out with them as much as we love them and need to do for them certain things as well. So that's a little bit about me. I'm also a podcast host and this has been a really cool experience and I think that's what I sort of bet Bob, and that's what brings me here today.

Rob Rohde:

Awesome. I apologize, I mispronounced the beginning of your name, Ch kananya. Sorry about that All good. Before we jump into your kind of backstory and you know some of the advice that you have I would just like to start off by taking you back to when you first found out you were going to be a father. What was going on in your head at that time? What were you feeling?

Chananya Abraham:

Okay, so at first I want to correct something that you said over here regarding advice, and I look at myself both as a therapist and as a dad of five kids at this point that I don't have advice. But I have experience and I've read stuff and I've had stuff in my office, have some amazing supervisors, and I think that's what gives me the right to talk about it. But I wouldn't say that in the sense of being advised that this is what you should be doing, because I don't know if there's a lot of things in parenting that it's not necessarily about. Well, in this situation, this is what you should do. I'm not an influencer in that sense. I look at it as more something well, in this type of experience, this is what you might want to do. Based on my experience, this is what I've seen work or this is what I've read, this is what research shows can be a benefit. But regarding the concept of giving advice and saying tell me, this is what you should do, I'm going to leave that to the professionals in that sense. But going back to your question, I remember thinking about the concept.

Chananya Abraham:

I remember when I find out what we were expecting was. It was pretty surreal. I don't think it hit me right away, and I think those nine months I was in La La Land. In a certain way I was about 24 years old and we found out that we're going to be having our first child and it was probably when I held her in my hand. She's now 16, just had her 16th birthday, so that I actually was like, oh my God, I'm a father, Like that's like crazy. And it was a surreal experience. There's nothing like it. I don't think it could be put into words. I guess you could say it was sort of like you know, if you could picture, like from a cartoon movie sort of like this, this fairy putting this like little spell in your head and just like aura changing about you suddenly. And it's stayed with me since. I don't think it's been any different ever since 16 years ago.

Rob Rohde:

Well, I think you did a great job of putting that into words. Surreal, I think, captures it almost like being somewhat outside your body and looking down and seeing yourself in this situation wondering, wow, how did I get here? This is amazing. You know, it's always amazing to me how you can go from not knowing an individual to essentially falling in love with them in a moment. You know, and I feel like that's almost what the experience is for some of us. You know, when we first hold our child for the first time, when we look into their eyes and we see them and we go from, you know what? Five minutes ago I didn't even know this child and now I can't imagine my life without them. You know almost in an instant. Let's jump to some of your experiences. As you said I love that, by the way your therapeutic mantra is, and that's okay, so tell us where that comes from and what you mean by that.

Chananya Abraham:

When it comes to parenting. Obviously there's no such thing as perfect parenting. So, for all of you that might be listening to this, that are either about to be parents, thinking about becoming parents, or maybe it's a couple of years down the road, or maybe some of you already are parents Perfect parenting does not exist. It's are parents. Perfect parenting does not exist. It's not possible. So perfection does not exist. Well, in many areas of our life, if not all of them, but specifically by parenting. So I think, using a sentence that something's happening like, oh my God, they just had an accident. They were in the middle of potty training then and that's okay, we'll figure it out. Yeah, they just spilled all over the car because the sippy cup wasn't closed properly, and that's okay, you know, we're about to get into the car and they, you know, they decided to throw a tantrum, and that's okay. We have to be in the moment and realize this is what's happening right now and this is where I'm supposed to be. And when we use those words to add to any sentence that we're dealing with at home, I think it makes the whole situation a lot easier to deal with, because it's bringing me here and now and present and this is what is supposed to be. You tell a 16, 17, 18 year old that is just starting out the concept of their own agency of life, independence, the whole world ahead of them, and tell them okay, so now you have to go ahead and watch a child and this is going to be yours to watch for the rest of your life and, by the way, this job is 24-7, and you don't get paid for it. A lot harder for them to have that conceptualization of what it is that they're doing, and for good reason, because most teenagers are not in a place to be parents and therefore they have to live their life. Most people, when they're becoming a parent in their 20s and 30s and 40s, when that is starting for you. So your whole life changes and therefore that becomes your life, not to say your career. Your job, your marriage are not important.

Chananya Abraham:

But regarding priorities, I would say that one of, if not the most important priority would be your parent, being a parent. Therefore, whatever happens, that becomes a priority, that becomes what is so. I think that's when we add those words and that's okay. It really helps us deal with that situation a lot more. It doesn't make it that everything's going to go away. It doesn't mean that because the kid wants chicken nuggets in the restaurant and there are no chicken nuggets, and they throw a tantrum, that and that's okay. No, it's not okay and it's embarrassing for us sometimes and let's deal with that. That's really what's behind the and that's okay. Does that make sense?

Rob Rohde:

Absolutely. That is so good. I love that and I think that applies to us as well. Right, we are going through our life as parents and we make mistake after mistake, and that's okay, because we're learning from that, we're trying our best, we're growing. We don't need to be perfect. Our goal should be progress and heading in the right direction, as opposed to looking back and judging ourselves and being hypercritical. And I think that's especially important for an audience of fathers and, in particular, an audience of single fathers, who tend to be overcritical and tend to kind of sit in that place of regret and blame and kind of devaluing themselves and their worth. So those are great words and I'm glad we talked about that. Sure, as parents especially those listening to a podcast like this we would all say that we love our kids Absolutely, a hundred percent. However, if we're being honest, we might not always like them, as you talked about in the intro. So is this something you come across in your practice and how do you, how do you work with men on this?

Chananya Abraham:

So I think it's also important to say that I would say most, if not all, the things that deal with in my practice. I've also dealt with as a parent, and this is not something that I think is for others. It has to be internalized for self in order for it to be to others, and that's a rule regarding well, no one wants to be that parent that says, do as I say, not as I do. No one wants to be that type of parent, and I think when it comes to the work that I do, it works the same way. So I think the concept and how I conceptualize this over the past 16 years is based on experiences that I've had at home, and there are times that our kids and let's be honest can come off to be very, very annoying based on what they're doing or what we want to do. My kid's throwing a tantrum. I want to go home because, even though I'm down the block and I just sat down to watch Super Bowl and I would love to watch it right now, but they want to go back home to mommy. Then what's my job, what's my priority? And it's very hard when your team's you know, at the end of the fourth quarter and it's a really, really good game and your kid is dying to go home and the whole place is annoyed at you now because all the friends in that house, because your kid is throwing a tantrum. So how am I supposed to like my kid right now? I really want to stay and watch the game and it can be difficult and that goes back to our saying and that's okay, this is what the situation is and obviously watching the game is is important and hopefully you get a chance to do that. But also realize what your kid is going through and I think having that balance of realizing what is my priority and what am I supposed to be doing, so then it sort of puts on a glasses regarding how we're going to be dealing with situations that are a lot easier to go ahead and deal with and will be a lot easier.

Chananya Abraham:

I'm not going to say it's going to be the easiest thing in the world, because it's still going to be hard and having to walk the kid back home or carry them back home when it's two minute warning time out. The very long time out at super bowl is already almost over, so there's only two minutes left and there's one more four, you know four sets of downs left, four downs downs left. So we really want to be there and watch that game, but at the same time my kid is really killing it for everyone and no one's able to watch and distracting everyone. So what am I going to do? And I think when we look at the concept of this is what my job is right now and we use that mantra, it sort of helps us look at those situations where we're able to like our kids a lot more than we give off sometimes. So I think one of the first things that they look at and there's a lot of research behind the concept of and there's, I would say, I don't wanna say an argument, it's not the right word, but different scientists, social scientists and social psychologists have talked about the concept of there should be at least three to four times the amount of yeses to nos for our children and making sure that whatever it is that they're asking or they want to do whether it's two extra minutes on the tablet or staying up an extra five minutes or another snack that we should have at least three to four times the amount of yeses that we're telling our children, as opposed to the nos and that's really hard because they ask a lot of things sometimes and at least one of my daughters, my 11-year-old daughter, she knows how to push the buttons. I can see her being a phenomenal criminal defense lawyer one day just because she knows those little little pieces of where she can go, and she's really good at it. I don't want to admit it to her, but she's really really good at it. I don't want to admit it to her, but she's really really good at it. I mean, I think her two older siblings, her brother and her sister, can take a little lessons from her sometimes how good she is.

Chananya Abraham:

And I said my job as a parent to make sure that what I'm going to be doing with her is going to be specifically for her and not for the other ones, and at the same time, I'm also doing things with her that are specifically for her, meaning I'm parenting for her, for what she needs from me as a parent not what I need to be giving her as a parent and in making sure that whatever it is that she's doing is specifically for her, so she doesn't get to say, well, so-and-so gets something different than me or they got a bigger piece of cake, because I think when each child has that feeling within themselves that, oh, my parent is taking care of me, so everything else sort of falls by the wayside. The bigger piece of cake the extra few minutes of bedtime. When she was my age, she got blank. That won't be a sentence anymore, because I'm parenting for her needs, I'm parenting for what she needs. And what ends up happening?

Chananya Abraham:

When a parent builds a relationship together with a child in a way where there are more yeses, there are more times spent with the child for what they want to do, then automatically the liking is going to happen, because we're liking them for who they are, not what we want them to be. Obviously, most children have our last name and we want them to have a certain, we have a trajectory for their life. But we have to ask ourselves the question is it my trajectory or is it their trajectory? And when we have a certain thing I want my kid to do, blank, blank and blank. So that means I'm living vicariously through my kid.

Chananya Abraham:

I would say parents that are living vicariously through their kids they have a much harder time liking their kids because all they see in their kids is a version of themselves. So when they're not doing certain things, whether it's practicing the instrument or gymnastics or whatever it is, then that person is not a good person. So that child whose reflection of them is now failing. That's not true. Maybe the kid never liked gymnastics in the first place. Maybe they hate the drums. Did we ever ask them or did we force them into it? So when we start doing things with and for the child, for what they need, then it becomes something that we can start liking them for who they are, a lot easier to do so that way.

Rob Rohde:

Well, first I'd just like to recap what you had said, because you put a lot of information out there. But our kids need to hear us say yes three to four times as often as we say no, and that helps them, that helps their development, that helps our relationship with them and it also almost like maybe an unintended consequence at the time is it also helps us learn more about them and learn the things that they enjoy and get into their world. Which brings me to kind of a follow-up question. There are a lot of individuals I work with who might not say you know, I love my kid, but I don't necessarily like them. But what they would say is I love my daughter, but I just am not interested in the things that they're interested in. I just have a difficult time connecting with them because we're completely different. Do you think that this principle applies to that as well?

Chananya Abraham:

That's a very good question and I've thought about that because I think sometimes that question pops into my head as a parent as well. And the model that I talk about and this is not coming from me, this is coming from professionals, from Body Keeps the Score, bessel van der Kolk to to score vessel bandicoot to, um, I think, ron siegel to wendy mogul, people that I, I think are very, very weathered in in the parenting world and and and in how to have relationships and proper relationships. Um, I think they they talk about this concept of of staying curious with self so that we can be involved in something. So when we're able to be curious about a situation, about a thing in general, that allows us to really get to the core of whatever it is that's happening there. I know my practice is a clip from the TV show, but I've never seen a TV show, but I love the clip from Ted Lasso of Be Curious, not Judgmental Phenomenal clip. You can type it on YouTube, very easy to watch, it's about three minutes long. I've shown them at practice numerous times and the concept is overall is that when we ask questions so we become curious about a situation, you can learn a lot more than if we become judgmental about why certain things are there in a certain way. I don't want to give up what the clip is about and everything, but you don't have to watch a show to enjoy the clip, and I think that concept could be applied when it comes to our children.

Chananya Abraham:

So one of my daughters has certain things that she likes doing that I cannot relate to, doesn't make any sense to me, and she likes it and it's something that even for my sensory stuff I don't like doing. But that's what she likes doing. Let's figure it out. What is it that she likes about it? What is it that she finds enjoyable about it? Why is it that she likes doing this every single day? Okay, so let's do that. Let's do something that you like doing, and I think when we learn through our kids why they like doing certain things, that can really help deal with whatever it is they're dealing with. It could be from the type of TV shows that they watch to the things that they may like reading and stuff like that.

Chananya Abraham:

When we ask questions about their book that they're reading, it may not be anything close to what I like reading, but that doesn't mean that it's not an interesting book, music, and my theory is why, let's say, today, one of the people that everyone really likes, or the most popular person, is Taylor Swift. Because I think her music is something that can be both for children and their message is also very much resonates with adults, and so it's timeless in a certain way, so it brings a certain connection. I believe Lego is a toy that is generational for that same reason, because and very smart of them to make toys that also are for adults, but it's something that is multi-generational. Very, very smart of them. And I think when we as parents put ourselves in situations where what is it they like? Why do they like it?

Chananya Abraham:

That's so interesting, what is it about that type of book or that type of art, whatever it is, when we look at it from that point of view, it opens up a whole new world that we can live in, a world with opposing views, with a plethora of different tastes and styles and colors out there, and everyone is right when they say that's my favorite.

Chananya Abraham:

You can ask a room of a dozen people what's your favorite type of food. You'll get a dozen different answers and they're all correct because that's what's good for them, that's what they like, and I think when it comes to likes of our children, it works the same way. So are we going to be curious with it? Or are we going to open ourselves up to be like, hey, that's so cool, why do you like doing that? Why do you like making stickers? Why do you like weaving? Why do you like using your loom or your cricket? Whatever it is you like doing, tell me more. And when we stay curious, it allows us to be in that situation and allows us to see from their point of view a lot more.

Rob Rohde:

Yeah, I can see that Absolutely. Looking back over my experiences with my kids, I feel that one of the most effective ways that I have been able to connect with them and one of the quickest ways and, in a sense, one of the easiest ways is to enter into their world. And what I mean by that is it starts with being curious about the things that they're interested in, and then to take that a step further is for me actually taking the time to learn what makes that specific experience so amazing to them, and not just that they enjoy it, but why they enjoy it, so that I actually, over time may or may not, but often end up enjoying it. Maybe not as much as they do, end up enjoying it, maybe not as much as they do, but I end up enjoying it as well. And so it's no longer me, it's no longer work for me to enter into that space with my child. It becomes enjoyable for me, and my kids recognize that.

Chananya Abraham:

Right and they and they see the effort that dad's putting in and that goes really really far. So even if you do some research and read up about the certain characters from a book series that they like and you ask them questions like wait, how'd you know? Goes really really far. So even if you do some research and read up about, like certain characters from a book series that they like and you ask them questions like wait, how'd you know? That they're like oh, so dad's like really like reading this stuff that he had no interest in because he only likes reading non-fiction. So you know, so just being in that place of being able to kid our kids seeing that, oh, our parents are like looking into certain things, oh that's so interesting. That's so interesting, that's cool, and I think that goes really really far. So to your point, Awesome.

Rob Rohde:

Well, let's shift gears just slightly. We had talked a little bit about the parenting ego. What do you mean by that and how can it affect us as parents?

Chananya Abraham:

So this is something that I am. I could say firsthand. I am still working on on a daily basis. You know as much as we like saying yeah, parenting is a 24-7 job. I think working on our ego is just as important.

Chananya Abraham:

Meaning making sure that we touch on this before is making sure we're parenting for the child and not for us. So let's give an example of, let's say, wanting our kid to have, because they're fast, so wanting them to get a scholarship based on their physical attributes, that they have, so whether it's playing for a certain sports team or track or something. So are we going to be pushing them in high school to be doing well in a certain sport that they might not like they have to be good at it but they might not like and we're going to push them, push them, push them. And the reason we're doing that is we want to get a scholarship, so it's going to end up saving us money and we can say, oh, I could went to scholarship to blank university. Or are we going to say, well, what do you like doing? Oh, you're curious about the anatomy, so you want to become a doctor. Oh, that's so interesting. Okay, what can we learn about that? Where can I help you get an internship or spend the next two summers before you have to think about colleges and stuff? So why am I doing those things? Am I doing it for me or for them?

Chananya Abraham:

Let's take it even a step further. Over here you have a teenage girl that might be coming home really in a bad mood. Something socially happened at school that she's not going to tell you about because you're her parents and then she's going to say oh my god, this is the worst supper ever. Seriously, this is what you made. Now she doesn't know that you gave up a client or you stopped the meeting early so you can go get all the ingredients to make this dinner and you're hurt for the fact that, that she makes that comment with that snarky face. And your first reaction would be now when I say you, I'm not talking to you up specifically, but I'm just saying in general the concept that as a parent, you might be like seriously, do you know how hard I work to go and work this? How could you say that? And we start, we start really going crazy, and then we might get into a screaming match. And they're because their defenses are up based on what happened to them that day, so they're gonna start screaming back at back at us. And then we go back and forth, back and forth. They leave the table, they're in the room Not to be seen until maybe a day or two, because they're leaving. They're making sure to leave the house early enough before dad gets a chance to see them and speak. So what happened there?

Chananya Abraham:

Well, I think it's our own ego that gets in the way of what the situation is. So, for the most part, it could be your daughter doesn't like your cooking, or maybe she does like your cooking. So if she's making this comment like this is what you made, like hey, where is this coming from? So we use that acronym of ABC of always be curious, or be curious, not judgmental. So instead of trying to put ourselves and say, excuse me, I can't believe you would say that to me. That's not nice, you can't say that. Ok, why is she saying that? What's happening? Then? It opens up a whole new world of how to go ahead and deal with that situation, because it's not you that she's bashing, it's not even really the food, but it's her reaction based on what she's going through, what she's now going to put out onto the food, and it's not us.

Chananya Abraham:

But we don't see that sometimes because we just see like, hey, I'm very proud of myself for what I did to get this dinner on the table and could be. You deserve the credit. And, by the way as a side point, I'm a big believer. Do not expect to get any credit for being a parent. Don't expect to have certain checkboxes or prizes at the end of the tunnel. If we're going to be parenting for prizes or for certain accolades, it might not come Parent for the child for what they need, and then in the long run we'll be able to go ahead and see those benefits. But don't parent so that you can put more stuff on the wall of accolades and accomplishments, because I don't think that's, in the long run, something that can be beneficial both for the relationship with the child but also for the child and, more importantly, for the child themselves. We're bringing it back to over here what we're talking about realizing that what is happening with the person is different for what's happening inside me. So when I'm able to put aside myself, my own ego, for what don't talk to me that way? Well, why are they talking that way? An example I like thinking of is a mentor of mine.

Chananya Abraham:

A former teacher was one time trying to have a great class engagement and was not poking fun but sort of said to one of the kids let's call him Mike said you know, mike, you know you haven't said anything today and the Mike just gets up, curses the teacher out and storms out of the classroom. So the teacher didn't say anything, sat back down Like okay, something's going on. The kids were really, really taken back by what just happened. They told the principal. The principal goes to the teacher and says how can we not suspend him? He just cursed you out of the whole class. He says something's happening at home. I'm telling you it's nothing to do with me.

Chananya Abraham:

When they looked into the situation, they found out the day before. When he went home that evening from school, his parents were screaming at each other for the umpteenth time and they already had been separated on a different occasion and they both turned to him and said it's all your fault. By the way, the fight was about a parking spot in front of the house. The kid had nothing to do with it. But now he spent the rest of the night thinking, hey, I'm a piece of crap, there's something wrong with me. Now. That resonated inside of him for 16, 17 hours.

Chananya Abraham:

So the next day he's in school and now someone actually starts, you know, pokes him with a little pin. So what's he going to do? All of that steam is going to come out at once. How does it come out? Curses the teacher out? Now, did he mean to curse out the teacher? No, but that steam needed to go somewhere. So the teacher was wise enough to realize there's something else happening here.

Chananya Abraham:

Let's look into that. And a lot of times with our kids it works the same way. What's happening here? Why are they? They saying them and don't make it about you, because they make it about you it's going to spiral, spiral, spiral. It's going to be a an emotional tasmanian devil and we don't want that to happen. So when we're we're able to put ourselves in a place of realizing okay, it's not about me. Let me put my ego aside. Let me deal with what this situation is. A lot of times when they, when our, our children and our teenagers talk down on us, they're not necessarily talking down on us, but they're looking for a certain level for for themselves.

Rob Rohde:

And I think so, to summarize for the audience really quick, we need to be the parent that our child needs us to be in that moment conversations of how a certain situation or conversation is going to go, especially when we are simply just being parents and doing the things that our kids view as a part of their normal day-to-day, and we need to always be curious and I guess kind of the final thought is to offer our kids grace in these situations where they are maybe responding especially outside their norm and outside their maybe character, and try to find out and uncover what's going on behind those words.

Chananya Abraham:

Yeah, exactly.

Rob Rohde:

You are giving us a lot of excellent kind of value bombs in a short period of time. I love this, but let's keep going forward. So again, the majority of the audience that listens to this podcast are single dads, and especially for us as single dads, trying to both provide for our family and be there for them is a huge challenge. For our family and be there for them is a huge challenge. Do you have some strategies that you?

Chananya Abraham:

I'm going to say recommend, just based on your experiences, for this audience. Yeah, it's a real tough one and I don't know if there's an answer to say that this is the answer. But I think from my experience having worked with it in my office not on many occasions, but it's been enough over the past 15 years that I can talk about some things that I've seen work is having the healthy balance, meaning in general a lot of parenting, whether it's where there's single parenting because there's a widower, or single parenting because of a separation. When we're looking to work with our kids, realizing that we have multiple roles we're supposed to be playing and if we have our kids living with us all the time and we have full custody of them, even if there's joint custody, I think the concept of what our role is is going to be specific for whatever that situation is. So when the kids are over by our house, we have to play. Let's call it good cop, bad cop. We have to play the. Let's do homework and be responsible, and let's have fun and go do something.

Chananya Abraham:

Now, what that balances every situation is different, no-transcript. So I'm not saying homework is terrible. I don't think it's terrible. I think it has to be reworked regarding the concept of how we talk about homework. What I'm talking about is in the sense of responsibility. So when kids have things to do whether it's getting their clothes into the hamper and bringing the hamper to the laundry room and putting that on them to say there's a responsibility and at the same time, also being goofy and being fun with them. Like, yeah, whatever you do, do whatever you want, go to bed whatever you want. Well, if there's school the next day, they can't go to bed whenever they want. So you want to give them, have them a little more playing time on their electronics because, you know, mom might be a little bit stricter, or whatever else. They're living outside of our house. Okay, maybe, as long as there's a balance with what's happening and balance. But it doesn't mean 50, 50. Balance means 60, 40, and sometimes 40, 60, sometimes 70, 30, sometimes 30, 70. That's okay. It has to be a balance when it comes to what we're doing.

Chananya Abraham:

Because, let's say, you can have a new situation where a parent is now a single parent after a few years of being a parent and they want to play the good cop the whole time. So they're going to have takeout for dinner every single night. They're going to be unlimited amounts of watching, electronic use and unfiltered Internet use for every age to do whatever they want, and they can have their phones as much as they want. And then all of a sudden they realize all right, it's not working. So a year into this new situation, they're going to start changing it up. You're going to get a lot more resistance from your kids. So we have to make sure that when we're in these situations, or in these new situations, that we're trying to set it up and solidify how we go about the concept of what it is we're supposed to be doing and creating that balance in a way where you know what.

Chananya Abraham:

I have to play two parts to this. I have to play both the responsible part, but also the fun part, and I think that's really important is to know what the balance is and know different situations call for things differently. And one more thing that I would add to that is asking for help as human beings. There's no such thing as a human being that could survive completely on their own as a living organism. We need others, we need other things in order to go ahead and survive. Animals, plants, algae in the lake they need things in order to go ahead and survive, just based on how they work. So surely the most complex organism of the world, the human being, needs to have the same thing. We need to have connections, so for ourselves to realize that if we feel a little overwhelmed, there's help that's needed to reach out for it.

Chananya Abraham:

Now I'm not talking just about therapy. I think there are so many things out there that we can do is to realize, you know, I need a little help. I need to have a Boys and Girls Club type thing involved so they could get some homework done. You know, maybe having to see if there's some volunteer work from a local community area that can have some teenager come to your house for a little bit to help out with some chores and some laundry and stuff, maybe there's someone that can be done to help out with groceries. You know, nowadays there's so much technology and Instacart and stuff that we can get groceries from. That can really really save a single parent so much time and effort. Regarding what we need to do, I think they're look for the, for the support out there, and I think that's really, really important to make sure that that to help for ourselves, so that we can create a balance within whatever we need to do within that new relationship.

Rob Rohde:

You know, you touched on one of the biggest struggles, but also most overlooked struggles, that single fathers face really all single parents face and that is the necessity to play multiple roles on a day-to-day basis, and what often gets forgotten or overlooked is the fact that many parents are not initially equipped to do that.

Rob Rohde:

These are roles that they have to learn. These are principles and lessons and behaviors that they have to learn, behaviors that they have to learn because they've spent, however, many years within a joint partnership, of a marriage for most of these individuals, where each party tends to lean maybe towards one role or the other, just naturally because it comes more easily for them and I think that a lot of parents need to hear that, and they also need to hear that it's okay to not have all the answers right now and that it is possible to learn this and it is possible to grow. Maybe you've been more the nurturer and less the person providing structure, or the opposite, but you can absolutely learn how to do both parts of that equally as well, and so I think it's important for the audience to hear that.

Chananya Abraham:

Yeah, yeah, thank you for clarifying that.

Rob Rohde:

This conversation has been fantastic. Thank you so much for being here. I know there are some men listening who are going to want to check you out after this, so where can they go to find you?

Chananya Abraham:

So first of all, I've got to say, R rob, this has been absolutely a pleasure and I love your questions and I think this is a great discussion and I hope this really is impacting people because I know there's a real need for it. So thank you for this opportunity. I could be reached. The best way to reach me is probably email and probably through my podcast email. So my podcast is called Parenting is Easy S said N no O one E ever, and it can be found wherever you listen to podcasts on the YouTube, buzzsprout, stitcher, spotify, apple podcast. I used to say Google podcast, but that's no more, so no more over there, but my email would be parentingiseasypodcast@ gmail. com, probably the best place to reach me right now. I can be found online. My website for consulting and parenting is cyuahtherapycom and on social media @ parenting is easy said no1 ever, but instead of O-N-E it's the number one.

Rob Rohde:

And I'll be sure to link to all of this in the show notes as well, to make it easy for everyone to jump in and check you out, and so audience, I encourage you to do that. So I like to end each episode with three lightning round questions.

Chananya Abraham:

Okay, let's do this.

Rob Rohde:

All right, let's do it In one word what does being a father mean to you? Meaningful, meaningful. I like it. If you could give the audience of single fathers one piece of advice, what would it be?

Chananya Abraham:

You are good enough.

Rob Rohde:

Love that. Okay, Ch ananya. the final lightning round question, and we will end

Rob Rohde:

with this. Okay so the final lightning round B question and we will end with this. You are alone in a room with your kids. You have their undivided attention for 30 seconds. They are forced to listen to you. You can use that time to tell them anything you want. B B D

Chananya Abraham:

What would you say? Don't take life too seriously, but never forget that you always have each other to rely on each other for anything.

Rob Rohde:

Amazing. Thank you, Ch ananya Pleasure. Thank you so much for having me. Thank you for joining us for the Business of B being Dad podcast. If you found value in today's episode, I encourage you to share it with a friend who could benefit from our discussions on fatherhood, leadership and legacy. Together, let's build a community of like-minded men who embrace ownership, commit to growth and make an impact. And now, before we go, remember greatness is within your reach, so stay strong, stay focused and create your legacy. I'm Rob Brody and you've been listening to the business of being dad, where fatherhood meets success. See you in the next episode.

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Rob Rohde

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