#043: Single Dad Survival: Conquering Common Pitfalls (Part 2)

In this episode, we continue the discussion on common mistakes single fathers face, and offer practical strategies for overcoming them.  

Overview:
Rob Rohde delves into the challenges single fathers encounter, acknowledging feelings of overwhelm, exhaustion, and frustration. He emphasizes the importance of community and support in overcoming these hurdles, inviting listeners to join him in exploring solutions to common struggles faced by single fathers.

Key Highlights:

1. Talking Trash: Rob discusses the negative impact of speaking poorly about ex-partners, especially in front of children. He encourages reframing conversations to prioritize children's well-being and foster healthy co-parenting relationships.
2. Inconsistent Discipline: Addressing the challenge of maintaining consistent rules and consequences, Rob highlights the importance of discipline in teaching self-control and responsibility. He advises sticking to established guidelines to create a structured family environment.
3. Overcompensation: Rob explores the tendency of single fathers to overcompensate for the absence of the other parent, leading to exhaustion and unrealistic expectations. He suggests setting clear boundaries and encouraging children to take on responsibilities to foster independence.
4. Neglecting Personal Dreams: Rob addresses the sacrifice of personal dreams often made by single fathers, advocating for prioritizing self-growth and pursuing aspirations. He encourages carving out time to work towards personal goals and involving children in the process.

What to Expect:
Listeners can expect to gain valuable insights and practical strategies for navigating the challenges of single fatherhood with resilience and intentionality. Rob's compassionate approach offers support and guidance for single fathers seeking to overcome common pitfalls and prioritize their well-being while fulfilling their role as fathers.

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Transcript

Rob Rohde: 0:02

You are listening to The Business of Being Dad. Get ready as we delve into the world of fatherhood, leadership and legacy. I'm Rob Rohde, your humble host and fellow single father, and I'm so excited you're here to join us. This podcast was intentionally designed for you, men who believe they're destined for greatness, those who never settle for excuses but instead take meaningful action, and individuals who reject the notion of being ordinary. We're here for the ones who understand that being a phenomenal leader goes hand in hand with being an exceptional father. Why? Because we believe in you. We believe you hold the power to shape your identity as a man, a father and a leader. We believe you are the architect of your future and you get to determine the impact and legacy you'll leave behind. So get ready to explore the depths of personal growth, strengthen family bonds and create a legacy that resonates through time. Together, we'll rise, inspire and change. Let's get started. Welcome back, dads, and thank you for joining us for episode 43 of The Business of Being Dad. I'm glad you're here.

Rob Rohde: 1:18

In the previous episode, we took a look at some of the most common mistakes that single fathers make and discuss specific strategies we can use to overcome them. Well, today we're continuing that conversation and we're taking a look at four more pitfalls that we tend to struggle with, and I will provide you with practical solutions to navigate through them successfully. Whether you're a new single father, you've been a single father for a while, or there is a single father in your life that you love and care about and want to know how to support them better than this episode is for you. Are you ready? Let's go. All right, it is time to be honest, men.

Rob Rohde: 2:00

There have been so many moments during my time as a single father when I felt lost or overwhelmed or completely exhausted, and I'm sure you have too. I had a hard time trying to do everything on my own. I was trying but it wasn't easy to do my job well, to be a good father, to provide for my kids and to make sure that they had everything that they needed, and so on and so on. And when we're in one of those seasons of life where we feel overwhelmed, that's when we're more susceptible to making mistakes or at least not responding how we would like. For me, that's when I tend to be reactive instead of proactive, or irritable instead of calm and patient. In those moments, the world does not get the best version of me, but those who I'm closest to, they actually pay the greatest price. But that's not what I want. That's not the person I want to be, and if you're taking the time out of your busy, busy life to listen to this podcast, then I know that's not who you want to be either. That's why you're here today. That's why we're all here To build community, get support and pick up some helpful tips or tricks along the way and maybe, just maybe, become better versions of ourselves in the process. So that's the motivation behind today's episode, and really behind the last episode as well To provide support on overcoming some of the most common mistakes and struggles that we as single fathers face, without criticism and without judgment. This is coming to you with compassion and understanding, as someone who has been there before. So, with that in mind, grab a drink, take a deep breath and let's jump in.

Rob Rohde: 3:50

One of the most common pitfalls that we, as single fathers face is talking trash about our ex. You know, sometimes, after a divorce or during a separation, it becomes very, very easy to start talking bad about our ex, but this can be extremely destructive, especially if it's done in front of our children. Maybe it's just making this subtle kind of passive, aggressive comment, maybe criticizing their parenting style or blaming them for where you're at or for their past mistakes. Maybe it comes from having an unresolved emotion, such as anger or resentment, and in fact we might even feel that we are justified in expressing these frustrations. And it's very easy when we're in that state to kind of throw out these negative comments and almost kind of trying to seek validation from others who will support our ideas or support the way that we feel. But the negative impact this has on our kids is tremendous. It can create this sense of tension and conflict within the family and kids are caught in the middle. That's the problem is that our children are put in a position where they feel like they have to choose sides, and that puts them in a horrible position. So maybe moving forward, instead of saying things like your mom never listens, she doesn't care about what you want, or we're only in this situation because of X, y and Z that your mom did, maybe we could approach that differently and say your mom and I might have different ways of doing things, but we both love you very much and we want what's best for you. So let's try to figure this out together.

Rob Rohde: 5:29

Common pitfall number two is being consistently inconsistent. Again, as single dads, we struggle sometimes with maintaining consistent rules and consequences for our kids, and this inconsistent discipline can result from feelings of guilt, from a lack of confidence or from difficulty in trying to just enforce boundaries. We worry about being too harsh or being too lenient, and the result is that we are inconsistent in the discipline we provide and it leaves our kids feeling confused. This can be especially true when we have a strained relationship with our kids and we fear that disciplining them can worsen that and damage the relationship even more. But all of this has a negative impact because discipline is our tool for teaching our kids self control, for teaching them responsibility, for helping them learn how to show respect for others, and it's so important that we have clear rules and consistent consequences. On the other side, inconsistent discipline undermines the authority of the parent us and it creates confusion for our kids. They can become frustrated or resentful when rules are inconsistent, and that actually will lead to more defiance and rebellion. So, instead of changing the rules or consequences based on our mood or based on the circumstances, or based on not wanting to upset our kids or wanting to help our relationship with them, it is so important that we stick to established guidelines on a consistent basis. So, for instance, if your child breaks a rule, the best thing we can do is to calmly remind them of the consequences and follow through as promised. And by maintaining this consistency in our approach, we are teaching our kids the importance of accountability and respect for rules, and this leads to a positive and structured family environment, which is extremely important for our kids.

Rob Rohde: 7:29

Common pitfall number three is overcompensating. So overcompensating occurs when a single parent feels pressure to compensate for the absence of the other parent by taking on too much responsibility, and often this results in us shielding our kids from the consequences of their actions. As single fathers, we often experience these feelings of guilt and inadequacy and fear of upsetting or disappointing our kids, and we feel we have to be a super dad in order to make up for the fact that we are parenting alone or to ensure that our kids are happy and well taken care of. But again, this has a negative impact. Overcompensating can lead to you feeling exhausted and burnout, but also it puts a strain on our relationship with our kids. By us shouldering the majority of the responsibilities, we are denying our kids the opportunity to learn important life skills, to develop their own sense of independence and to learn how to cope with adversity, and it can also lead to these unrealistic expectations by our kids and this sense of entitlement in them. So maybe, moving forward instead of trying to be the perfect parent, let's try to set clear boundaries and stick to them. It's important we encourage our children to take on responsibilities like chores and homework, and have certain aspects of the home that they take ownership of and are responsible for, and this teaches them valuable life skills and helps them gain that greater sense of responsibility that will help them throughout their life.

Rob Rohde: 9:05

Pitfall number four is us, as single fathers, pushing our dreams aside. As single fathers, we give up our dreams all the time, and we do this out of an attitude of sacrifice and always putting our kids first. But in this process, we let our own ambitions, our own aspirations just fall to the side. We stop emphasizing our own personal growth, we stop developing in the process. And again, we do this because we often feel compelled to dedicate 100% of our time and energy to taking care of our kids. We might believe that pursuing our own dreams is selfish or impractical and, as a result, we put them aside, and we put aside our own happiness for the sake of our kids, but once again, this comes at a great cost. The negative impact this creates on our family is that we are setting up an unwanted precedent for our kids, as they see us giving up our dreams. The message that we are sending to them is that sacrificing personal dreams is necessary in order to be a good parent, and I don't believe that is a model that we want our kids to follow. So, moving forward, instead of giving up our own dreams, let's make a point to carve out time every week to work towards our dreams and our goals, whatever those might be, and to take this a step further. I encourage you to share these with your kids and invite them to hold you accountable to working towards them. By showing our children that it's possible to balance being a good parent with having dreams and pursuing those dreams, we are empowering them to pursue their own dreams.

Rob Rohde: 10:51

So, now that we've taken a look at four more common pitfalls that single fathers face, it's time for us to take action. Think about your experiences as a single father and look at one area that you are struggling with, one area that you'd like to target. Take the necessary steps today to start addressing these challenges. Establish consistent discipline strategies, support your ex with empathy, set clear boundaries and model what it looks like to be both a present father while also pursuing your dreams. So there you have it.

Rob Rohde: 11:28

I want to thank you for tuning in to today's episode. If you have struggled with some of the topics we've talked about today, that's okay me too but my hope is that you found a nugget of truth, a piece of wisdom that resonated with you that you maybe hold on to in this coming week. And if you'd like to talk more, I'd be happy to dive deeper into a conversation with you, either about these topics or anything related to your journey as a single father. You can shoot me an email or jump on a free call with me. All you have to do is click on the link at the bottom of the show description.

Rob Rohde: 12:01

As we close, I want to remind you how important your role is in the lives of your children. Your kids need you. They need you to be present and they need you to be strong. My challenge to you is to embrace your value as the leader of your family and step into your role as a single father, with courage, commitment and pride. Until next time, stay strong, stay focused and make an impact. Take care, dads. Thank you for joining us for the Business of being Dad podcast. If you found value in today's episode, I encourage you to share it with a friend who could benefit from our discussions on fatherhood, leadership and legacy. Together, let's build a community of like-minded men who embrace ownership, commit to growth and make an impact. And now, before we go, remember greatness is within your reach, so stay strong, stay focused and create your legacy. I'm Rob Rode and you've been listening to the Business of being Dad, where fatherhood meets success. See you in the next episode.