The Business of Being Dad with Rob Rohde

#042: Single Dad Survival: Conquering Common Pitfalls (Part 1)

• Rob Rohde • Episode 42

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Rob Rohde addresses the common mistakes that many single fathers encounter and offers strategies to avoid these pitfalls. With insights drawn from personal experiences and challenges, Rob aims to empower single fathers to navigate their parenting journey with confidence and resilience.

Overview:
In this episode, Rob candidly discusses the challenges faced by single fathers, acknowledging the overwhelming stress and uncertainties that accompany this role. He emphasizes the importance of recognizing and addressing common mistakes to foster personal growth and improve the overall well-being of both fathers and their children.

Key Highlights:

  • The Anger Trap: Rob highlights how losing temper and lacking patience are common challenges for single fathers, often triggered by stress and chaos at home. He emphasizes the significance of self-awareness and intentional responses to prevent anger from negatively impacting parent-child relationships.
  • The Money Trap: Rob shares his personal experience of financial struggles as a single father, emphasizing the importance of prioritizing financial stability and implementing budgeting strategies. He encourages fathers to take ownership of their financial responsibilities and seek ways to improve their financial well-being.
  • The Relationship Trap: Rob discusses the tendency of single fathers to neglect personal relationships amidst parenting responsibilities. He advocates for prioritizing meaningful connections outside of parenting and emphasizes the positive impact on both fathers and their children.
  • The Absence Trap: Rob addresses the challenge of being physically and emotionally present for children, stressing the importance of quality time and engagement. He shares practical tips for single fathers to maximize their presence and strengthen their relationships with their children.


What to Expect:
Listeners can expect to gain valuable insights into common pitfalls encountered by single fathers and actionable strategies to navigate these challenges effectively. Rob's compassionate approach and personal anecdotes offer relatable guidance for fathers striving to improve their parenting journey and foster meaningful connections with their children.


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Rob Rohde:

You are listening to The Business of Being Dad. Get ready as we delve into the world of fatherhood, leadership and legacy. I'm Rob Rohde, your humble host and fellow single father, and I'm so excited you're here to join us. This podcast was intentionally designed for you, men who believe they're destined for greatness, those who never settle for excuses but instead take meaningful action, and individuals who reject the notion of being ordinary. We're here for the ones who understand that being a phenomenal leader goes hand in hand with being an exceptional father. Why? Because we believe in you. We believe you hold the power to shape your identity as a man, a father and a leader. We believe you are the architect of your future and you get to determine the impact and legacy you'll leave behind. So get ready to explore the depths of personal growth, strengthen family bonds and create a legacy that resonates through time. Together, we'll rise, inspire and change. Let's get started. Hey there, gentlemen, welcome to episode 42 of The Business of Being Dad podcast. It's great to have you here again, where today we're going to talk about some of the most common mistakes a lot of single fathers make and the steps we can take to avoid those pitfalls.

Rob Rohde:

Moving forward, the truth is for most of us. When we first became a dad, we had no idea what we were doing. As the saying goes, our kids do not come with an owner's manual. It's up to us to figure it out as we go, and oftentimes, as we're trying to figure it out, mistakes will be made. For those of us who are single dads, we had a whole unique set of challenges and struggles to overcome. I remember when I first became a single dad, there were so many moving parts. I had to figure out my living situation, adjust my work schedule, figure out my parenting schedule, and my finances took a big hit and really that doesn't even scratch the surface. And I was trying to do all of this in the midst of custody battles and court cases and a lot of volatility, and that's not even including trying to support my kids through their sadness and loss and manage my own personal sadness. That was my story and my guess is that's a lot of your stories as well. So I get it. I feel for you and I want to support you without judgment, because I remember exactly how it was. So when we're in those situations, the stress can feel overwhelming and the results can lead to costly mistakes. But I believe, with a combination of awareness and the right strategies, we can recognize these pitfalls and overcome our mistakes without letting them destroy us or define us. So that's the conversation we're having today. We're going to discuss how to recognize and avoid some of the most common pitfalls that single fathers face. Are you ready? Let's go.

Rob Rohde:

As we talked about, being a single dad is not easy. We're dealing with a whole lot of change, facing challenges left and right, and sometimes, let's be honest, we're going to stumble along the way. We're going to make mistakes, but it's okay because we've all been there, and today our goal is to shine a light on the most common mistakes that trip us up, because understanding where we might go wrong is the first step in helping get it right. So let's take a look at some of those mistakes, starting with common pitfall number one the anger trap. Losing your temper, showing anger, not having patience those are some of the most common challenges that single fathers face, and there's reasons for it. Right, I mean not excuses, but reasons.

Rob Rohde:

I mean picture this you've just finished a long day at work, you have an hour, commute home. You hit traffic along the way. The stress is just building a mountain inside you. All you want to do is walk through the door, relax for a minute and try to kind of regroup and settle into your night. And then you walk through the door and the house is a mess. Dishes are piling up, kids are bouncing off the walls with energy. They're just being kids, right, they're not doing anything wrong, but there's just so much kind of chaos building up around you and then the pressure starts to build and there's this urge to snap when things don't go smoothly.

Rob Rohde:

I've been there for a lot of us. That's our reality and we need to recognize it and take responsibility for how we respond, because that part is a choice. It's not easy, but it is a choice. Over time, what I've learned is that recognizing when I'm reaching my breaking point is the first step in regaining control. It sometimes involves me just taking a minute, taking a deep breath, stepping back and finding healthier ways to release that tension. So how do we avoid this? It starts with being aware and having resolve. It's important that we are intentional and committed in our desire to control our temper.

Rob Rohde:

Think of the impact your anger has on your kids. Think about the look in their eyes the last time you blew up at them. Think about situations that have led to your outburst. Is it coming home at the end of a stressful day, or maybe it's a messier, chaotic house? Or perhaps it's when your kids are fighting with each other, or when your child misses their curfew, or your ex-wife makes a derogatory comment about you. Whatever that is for you be aware of it and, whenever possible, be intentional with how you enter into those situations. Think about how you want to respond and practice that in your head or even out loud, if that helps. Maybe take some deep breaths before you walk through the door, or take a minute to pray or meditate Whatever method helps you stay grounded and brings you to a place of calm and also finding healthy outlets for your stress and frustration is key Things such as maybe going for a run or hitting a punching bag or talking to a friend. And in spite of our intention and our efforts, there will still be times when we lose our temper. There will still be times when we lose our patience, and in those moments, the most important thing is to recognize it, remove ourselves from that situation, calm ourselves down and then, when we're ready, re-enter that situation and make amends to those that we blew up at.

Rob Rohde:

All right, let's move on to common pitfall number two the money trap. So another really common pitfall that sneaks up on so many single dads is just not prioritizing their finances. I think, with everything else going on as we enter into single fatherhood, finances just kind of gets put on the back burner. But yet there is so much financial stress and uncertainty, and that is one of the most common struggles that all fathers face, and it's no secret that this is even more true for single dads, whether it's child support payments or unexpected expenses. It is so easy to feel like you're constantly treading water financially.

Rob Rohde:

On a personal note, my finances took a huge hit when I became a single dad. I was court ordered to pay about 65% of my net income to my ex-wife in the form of maintenance and child support, and this was in addition to paying 50% of my daughter's medical bills and all their extracurricular activities. When I heard this news from the judge, I was in complete shock and I literally had no idea how I was going to get by. But eventually, after many sleepless nights, I realized that I had no choice but to figure it out. Complaining wouldn't help and ignoring wouldn't make it go away. So, regardless of what had led to this, I had no choice but to own my situation. So I made it a priority to educate myself as much as I could about budgeting, savings and investing. I chose to take ownership of my finances so I could set myself up and set my family up for a financially secure future.

Rob Rohde:

For those of you who are struggling with the financial trap or the money trap, some things we can do to avoid that. Number one, I have to start with this Take care of your parental responsibilities, and I'm referring to alimony, child support. Own those and pay them on time. But then after that, it is important to create a solid budget and stick to it. Look for ways to save money and to cut back on expenses. Consider a second job or a side hustle for the short term if needed, if that is something you need to do in order to pay off debt or jumpstart your savings.

Rob Rohde:

Moving on to common pitfall number three is the relationship trap. Another common mistake we, as fathers, seem to make is neglecting our own relationships, and as single fathers as well, this is even more true. We tend to always put our kids needs above our own and in the process, we neglect our own needs, especially in regard to our relationships. And I'll admit there have been many times where I've let friendships slowly fall by the wayside or put off dating because I felt like I didn't have the time or energy or, if I'm being honest, because I felt like I should be focusing that time and energy into my kids. But what I've learned over the years is that investing in relationships outside of parenting is important for my happiness and health, and it is just as important for my daughters. It allows them to get the best version of me, a more well rounded version and it allows me to model for them what it looks like to find balance between being a parent and being me. If this is something you're struggling with, make it a priority to focus on those connections that matter most to you, build into them, give them your time. If it's time with your kids, schedule time with them. If it's time with friends, make sure that you reach out to them and make that a priority. And also, if you and your family is ready, then don't be afraid to put yourself out there in the dating world as well.

Rob Rohde:

Moving on to the last pitfall we're going to talk about today, common pitfall number four is the absence trap. One of the biggest mistakes that single fathers make that can hinder their relationship with their kids is not being present, and really there are two parts to this or two aspects of this. There is the aspect of not being physically present, and this involves missing or canceling their parenting time, being consistently late, missing important occasions, not showing up to important events. And then there is the piece of not being emotionally present not giving kids our undivided attention, being on our phone, being watching TV, really being distracted and not giving them our focus. But in both cases, the effects on our kids is huge, and I know that it's really tough to find that balance between work and parenting, especially when you're doing it solo. I know this firsthand, and it is so easy to get caught up in the daily grind to lose sight of the things that really matter, and there have been so many times when I felt guilty for not being there enough or worried that I was not giving them everything that they needed. But what I've come to realize is that it is my responsibility no one else's, it's mine to set up my life so that I have both a large quantity of time and a large amount of quality time with them not one or the other, but both.

Rob Rohde:

Currently, I am still a single father, but I have my kids 100% of the time now. For a long time, though, I was sharing custody and I only had them half the time, and for a while the girls and I kind of struggled with that, but pretty quickly I discovered how important it was for me to be present and available as much as possible during my parenting time. I couldn't do anything to control the time that they weren't with me, but when they were with me, it was my responsibility to take full advantage of that, and I strongly suggest that you have prioritized this as well, because I believe that the single most impactful change I ever made as a single father was making the adjustments in my life, my career, my extracurricular activities, my social life in order to be present and engaged in my daughter's lives as much as possible. This meant adjusting my work schedule, not being pinned to my phone, turning off the TV or at least pausing it when my girls wanted to talk, and then genuinely showing interest in their lives. Those moments when we are present and our kids feel safe, those are the moments when they will open up to you, when they will share what's going on in their lives, at school, in their friendships and so on, and these moments are so valuable and so meaningful, so we need to do everything we can to make the most of them.

Rob Rohde:

One final point as we conclude today's discussion. Let's remember that the purpose of highlighting these common pitfalls is not to point fingers or past judgment, because I've been there. I've struggled with all of these as well. It's about shedding light on areas where many of us have struggled in the past or are currently struggling today, and then offering guidance to help us avoid or reconcile these challenges moving forward, remember we are all in this journey together and by learning from each other's experiences and mistakes, we can grow and become better fathers together. So, as we navigate the ups and downs of single fatherhood, let's approach each day with compassion, understanding and a willingness to learn.

Rob Rohde:

Thank you for joining me and until next time, let's continue supporting each other on this incredible journey of fatherhood. Take care, men. Thank you for joining us for the Business of being Dad podcast. If you found value in today's episode, I encourage you to share it with a friend who could benefit from our discussions on fatherhood, leadership and legacy. Together, let's build a community of like-minded men who embrace ownership, commit to growth and make an impact. And now, before we go, remember greatness is within your reach. So stay strong, stay focused and create your legacy. I'm Rob Rohde, and you've been listening to The Business of Being Dad, where fatherhood meets success. See you in the next episode.

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